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@actuallyautistic

For those of you who visit family on Christmas and wonder why you always feel so tired afterwards. And, I suppose, for those who don't wonder, but may still find this interesting.

You are in your best clothes. Which, let's face it, aren't your comfy pj's, or normal comfy clothes and which feel weird and more than a little restrictive. If not downright scratchy and uncomfortable and always make you wonder why you have to be tortured this way.

The smells assailing you are all Christmasy. From the cooked food, to the scented candles and diffusers and no one else is really noticing or seems to care. But they're quietly driving you up the wall and if you're really unlucky, upsetting your chest and breathing. But, you daren't say anything, because that's just wrong and upsets everyone and once again marks you as the person who ruins everything. And yet it's still all you can be aware of and just wish would stop.

You're currently trying to listen to what your loved ones are saying. Whilst hearing what every one else is saying, the music, which is supposed to be in the background, but isn't to you, or the t.v. that's been left on. Whilst at the same time desperately parallel processing, what they're saying, what it means, up to and including any obvious traps and pitfalls, like the fact that your Aunt really doesn't want to know that her outfit makes her look like a cheap hooker, and which of the multiple possible responses is in fact the one they want, or which will get you out of this moment the quickest and with the least pain. Or, how to frame what you actually want to say in a way that they will understand, accept, or, more likely, swallow without a fight or the sort of reply that sends you back to the trauma of your youth, triggers your imposter syndrome, or merely denies your very existence once again to the obvious, but not really knowing what they are doing, amusement of the rest of your family.

That you're hyperaware of your body and its movements. Trying desperately to keep it still and "normal" and not be all weird and attract the attention of the jokers in your family, who will delight in pointing it out. That you're constantly checking where you are looking and how long you do so. The eye contact that you have to fake and desperately trying to ensure that people don't notice what you're doing. That you don't inadvertently zone out and come out of it to realise that everyone's realised that you've been staring blankly at your cousin's tits for the last whatever minutes. Because that's never not uncomfortable, or ends well. Or, that you might inadvertently look at someone who takes that as an invitation to pin you against a wall and talk your ears off, because that's what you really, really, don't want.

And all the time you're desperately trying to remember all the protocols of family and getting on with them. Of accepting the utterly useless piece of crap that they've just given you, as the best Christmas present ever, with the appropriate appreciation and response. Or the food that's offered you, or served for dinner. All the various kindnesses and moments that they lovingly give to you and that you want to deal with well and certainly without disappointing, upsetting, or starting, yet again, the family's favourite game of, who's going to blame you and who's going to defend you and how big an argument and upset is that going to cause and how much of it will be blamed on you anyway.

That ultimately you don't know how long you're supposed to stay, or can stay without running out of steam and letting the whole facade crash around you. Even though you really want to stay and be with your family, but are only too aware that the wheels will come off sooner or later and that no matter how much you'll end up disappointing the ones you love the most, and want to upset the least, that you'll still probably stay too long and disappoint them anyway. And then you end up worrying and dwelling over that and using up the last of what little energy remains, trying to get it right.

So hopefully this explains why you can end up so tired and have a merry Christmas.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic