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Good grief, I am having a night. I have been beating myself up all weekend for not being good enough and feeling like everyone I know is mad at me. I am mercilessly kicking my own ass over everything. I did a bad job washing some dishes, and now I don't think my wife can trust me anymore. I fucked up my family's entire weekend by going to a guy's night. I feel sick to my stomach. My mom is coming to visit in two months and I feel like vomiting because I know it is going to be a nightmare. I feel like a bad worker, a bad partner, a bad parent, a bad son, a bad citizen, a bad person. Critically and fundamentally flawed.

OK, I have gotten some sleep and tried to corral my demons back into their pen.

Problematic ideas circulating in my head:
1. Life is supposed to feel good and it doesn't.
2. Creating time or space for myself is selfish.
3. People are mad at me whether they admit it or not.
4. I am not perfect and the absence of perfection is the presence of badness.
5. If I am not being productive, I am going to get in trouble somehow.
6. Maintaining friendships hurts my family.
7. I am unreliable.
8. I am going to pass all this bad stuff on to my kids.
9. I am not good enough to be here.
10. I will never be good enough to be here.

I know better, but I can't escape them all all the time. I understand that these are hallmarks of the children of emotionally immature parents, and I suspect that this is a lot of what is going on. I am terrified that I might have inherited some BPD traits from my mom and am really scared that this means I am irredeemable (although I guess the new research is a lot less fatalistic). Hopefully, I'm just depressed.

Sorry for airing this all out. I hope it's helpful. I want community when this happens, and I don't think I can take it to my meatspace people. And I like creating a real-time record so that I can't feel great when therapy is happening and try to forget that the bad times ever occurred.

@HG

ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU READ BOTH THE CRUDELY SCRAWLED NOTE THAT SAYS "CHUNKY PEANUT BUTTER," AND THEN READ THE CORRESPONDING LABELS AT THE GROCERY STORE THAT ALSO SAY "CHUNKY PEANUT BUTTER." IT CANNOT BE HARD.

@farah

my friend spent time in Indonesia or Malaysia as a child and says his fondest memories were of chicken satay sold by men on bicycles.

@amiserabilist @farah attn: @skinnylatte