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Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 320 , Thursday 12/09/2024
02:00 Referee! Come on now this is no longer funny!
I finally fell asleep around 22:30 so why for the love of Nuggan am I awake!
Just had a horrible nightmare where I was chased down by a Dobermann a la the Bond movie ‘Moonraker’!
Gimme a cat any day, they’re far more likely to want snuggles & scritches!
I think I may have done more damage to my knee than I originally thought, the knee cap is very tender to the touch, there is a massive bruise & although I can weight bear & walk ok on the flat climbing stairs there seems to be some weakness, I guess I’ll have to go see the Quack if it persists.
Why can I not sleep!?
02:47 Just thinking about the ADHD self referral form I finally completed today, I’m not sure I want to know … I’m tired of being broken, of having to mask to be seen as normal. I’m really not sure that even if diagnosed there will be any additional help forthcoming from the critically broken NHS! Ignorance is bliss apparently.
02:57 It’s at times like this that I would love to be back with my family, I rarely get lonely & can generally cope with being ignored by the world in general & family specifically. Indeed I often crave isolation, peopling is so very hard at times. However tonight I have a desperate need to hug my niece, to laugh with my brother & sister, to be a part of something that I have long been simply an almost wholly severed limb of. Sadly not possible, they will all be asleep & even if they were awake they have their own busy lives with little time for their ‘weird’ relative.
So I will roll over in my little single bed, hug my pillow & chase sleep until it is time to mask up again & go make breakfast & do chores.
03:55 Still awake bläh! Too tired & too frazzled to do SM or even read, too awake to sleep! I hate this!
06:00 I did get about another hour but now it’s time to getup & get breakfast.
A fairly quiet day , a surprise call form Conner (the OT) which went really well.
Then cleaned the bath (it’s one with jets - like a jacuzzi - so periodically needs its innards rinsing out & disinfecting.
Bizarrely enough, because it takes about a week to fill, & me & Mrs S prefer showers anyway, it has been cleaned way more times this year than it has actually been used in anger!
So not a bad effort given that I’m running on very little sleep again!
Really could not concentrate on anything this afternoon.
Salad with Cheese & mushroom quiche for tea - it’s pizza day tomorrow so something to look forward to!
Final Thoughts.
I’m keeping my head above the water, just , at the moment but I could do with a decent stretch of sleep!
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 
@actuallyautistic
#TimsASDjourney #ActuallyAutistic #Neurospicy #TheMammutMoves
@Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic
I hope you were able to sleep these days
even in our thoughts the people are very close to us when we think of them...your loved ones must have been with you somehow even though only in your thoughts in the middle of the night because you couldn't sleep
@si_irini @actuallyautistic Thank you Irini, that is a lovely thought 
Another thought:
Do something daring and give your family a call.
@HistoPol @si_irini @actuallyautistic G’day HP 
Social contact initiation is super difficult for me, even with family - which they know so they ignore me anyway.
Hey ho.
Hope you’re having a super Saturday my friend
I know you are having these difficulties. It's just that I could really feel that longing in your post from last night.
Maybe if you visualized that longing and called them? Maybe your wife could "jump in" if you get cold feet during the call and tell them what you thought of doing?
Maybe even a phonecall is a first step?
@HistoPol @si_irini @actuallyautistic It was more a longing to be over there in person my friend, will probably get to see them for my birthday.
@Tim_McTuffty
yes, that was clear. A IRL hug is the only real thing, after all.