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Scripts for cishet white men who want to be better allies:
- Bro that's really fucked up
- Don't say shit like that around me
- I won't let you talk about them that way
- That's a disgusting opinion to have
- Say that again around me and we're going to have a problem
- Shut the fuck up dude
Important: don't laugh. Don't give them the permission to pretend it's a "joke". Say this with a completely deadpan face.
@Lana
It is actually amazing to ask why that's funny, or what the joke there is.
@EndlessMason @Lana yeah, this is a really powerful tactic. Deadpan ask them why it's funny and make them explain.
@Lana I like how this can be read seriously (allies talking to bigots) and sarcastically ("allies" talking to queer people), and both would fit perfectly
@Lana
(The first one is especially good)
@Lana I've had good luck with "you've got some weird ideas about (topic) bro."
Call the #CreepyWeirdbros what they are
No. They're not "creepy". Creepy is a spooky movie at midnight. Creepy is a clown in full clown makeup with balloons just standing on a street corner.
These people aren't "creepy". They're misogynists. They're fascists. They're bigots. They're predators.
Don't sanewash them.
@Lana
I go straight to the last option, but I add, unless you want my reply, because I'm more than happy to share it.
@Lana
You can add "What's wrong with you?" To the list. It works well when shutting up racist bigots.
@Lana
Dude, how is that a joke?
Here I thought I was with decent folk.
(Dead silence, change subject. Best applied with back up.)
@Lana Honestly, sometimes it's enough to just ask "What do you mean?".
(And then follow up with one of the above as they start to backpedal.)
@stefan no. Don't give predators a way to backpedal. That's what got us here.
Tell them to their face what they're doing is unacceptable.
@Lana My favorite is "I know your momma didn't raise you to say that shit, so where the fuck did you get it all from anyway?"
@Lana this stuff is really powerful. If they think they have tacit approval they will continue. You'd be surprised how quickly they back down when confronted even a little bit.
@Lana @inthehands Or a plain and simple “ew.”
boop Tried it a lot. Works wonders. It usually resulted in confusion, which really undermines their confidence.
@Lana 'Thats a lie'. It's ok to call them out.
Another strategy: ask them to retell it while in front of an authority figure that you know won't support it.
A coworker had made a horrible joke about domestic violence, so the next day I asked him to retell it while in front of a supervisor.
That coward pretended he didn't know what I was talking about, but you can bet he'll think twice before doing that around me again.
Not really? The obvious reaction then would be concern for (a) what's going on physically with them right now (b) what's going on mentally with them. I guess that reaction guided at (b) would be checking whether they are aware of what they're doing, which resembles "What do you mean?", which Lana argues against in a sibling post.
@Lana Maybe add "who are you?" and "I thought I knew you"
@Lana this is the way
@Lana a useful one I like is "That was a shitty thing to say." Alternatively, "Why would you say something so shitty?"
Shaming works.
@Lana alternative:
- *beats up transphobe*
@Lana Going to teach those to my kids. 
May even give them license to swear.
@Lana "no one wants to hear it dude, get over yourself"
@Lana may I share this on a Zuck platform? Can screenshot or link.
@teruterubozu go for it but please blur my name
@Lana last time I had to do this Im pretty sure the words that came out of my mouth were completely incoherent, but still got the point across. so I guess that works too
@Lana “Are you just pretending to be that stupid or were you born that way?”
@Lana mine is 'simmer down'. My neighbor when he says something racist.
@Lana
May I also add:
- why I oughtta (in a angry 1950s street rascal voice while pulling up your sleaves)
@Lana (this only works if you actually intend on knocking them out in one hit if they keep going)
@Lana nodds in agreement
Also good classics:
- Bruh, that opinion is straight outta late 1930s Germany.
- Not cool m8!
- You gonna say [anti-queer insult] ine more time and our friendship will get it's pronouns changed ro was/were!
- Nope m8, that's some bs!
- You got a problem with queer people? If so I'll identify as a big problem to you!
@Lana I've found that I'm pretty good at communicating "don't ever say that shit to me again, the fuck is wrong with you?" with just a facial expression.
At any rate I once left a coworker stammering after he showed me a Babylon Bee headline with the only joke the Babylon Bee knows.
@Lana "We don't do that here."
i have had good luck with simply looking at them and saying nothing
just stare at them
they just walk away eventually
i did go off on someone at the post office a couple of months ago and that worked too - bullies do not like direct confrontation
thanks for the list
@Lana
My therapist also suggested a simple "yikes" for situations like this with an "I'm embarrassed for you that you said that" tone.
Point being, it should be uncomfortable to be a bigoted jerk.
@Lana
To clarify: I think "yikes" is kind of a baby step towards the responses you list. Those are better, but responses like "yikes" work well if you want to be sure you don't let something pass as acceptable, but struggle with the courage to get it out: practicing saying anything at all helps.
@Lana
if you live in england:
You what?
and
What's wrong with you?
are both handy IMO
@Lana "Man, I thought better of you." or "Makes me sad to your you talk like that." also work well.
@ragn no. Both "I thought..." and "Makes me sad..." put the focus on you and your emotions. Which means the focus is no longer on the predator and their threats.
@Lana The way I learned it is that the direct approach more likely evokes a defensive response rather than empathy. My approach depends on what the goal is I guess. Do I want to shame them publicly or do I want them to realize, what they are saying does not resonate with their surroundings? Or is it just a signal to a third person?
@ragn tell me more about why I owe empathy to Nazis. You have my whole, undivided attention.
@Lana @ragn Understanding the mental state of a Nazi is crucial to forcibly and expeditiously evicting and banishing them from your places and your community, in a way that might cause self-doubt if it had been done to anyone with a shred of decency in them.
To choose to be a Nazi is to choose between GTFO or getting a brick wet. The Nazi has rejected the social contract requiring one to extend empathy in order to benefit from receiving it. The paradox of tolerance is not a true paradox.
@Lana That was not what I've read out of your original post and I apologise for the misunderstanding. I assumed this was about stupid, day to day interactions with bigots. Treating Nazis with empathy leads nowhere. The sentences just sounded like one would talk to someone who they at least have somewhat of a relation to. English is not my first language, so I miss nuances sometimes.
@ragn @Lana Look, I'm going to try and help you. You seem to have "an approach", a strategy for dealing with this kind of thing. It seems to hinge on appealing to feelings and empathy.
And yet you could not read the room and understand from a very clear context that the person you're speaking to is very, very, angry.
I'd ask how many of these people have you brought back from that side with your approach.
@ragn @Lana I will accept that saying insulting stuff in, for example, a corporate setting will probably not go well for you. Why would anybody need our (polite or not) reminder that saying racist/phobic shit be unacceptable in a corporate setting is another question, though. I will also point out that I at least assume that the people reading can do basic extrapolation and adapt the general idea without going back and correcting or adding to and softening what Lana said.
@Lana wow, that’s a weird take. Mind saying it again so I can video and make it go viral? No?
Then shut your fucking mouth .