If this sleeve of Oreos opened easily, I wouldn't have to claw into it like an animal.
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Hush, my darling. You had me at "Breathe Right Nasal Strips."

This is either an extra good episode of SNL or an extra good gummy.

You want to make me happy? Get me some Oreos. That would make me happy.
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I am willing to be paid $50,000 to visit Qatar.
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- It's a robot taxi. Why would it want to kill you?
- It's a ROBOT. All the robots want to kill people! And when they do, the police blame the coders.
#Waymo
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Eggs are so expensive I had to use Cadbury Eggs to make omelettes this morning

@NickGates Oooo, I’m from the Central Valley where YOUR vegetables come from. Fuck off! . so like the shipping costs to the far eastern side of the East bay SF must be outrageous? There are farms all around us! I can find cheaper prices at Safeway
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@FlashMobOfOne
Ok, you’re a Kodiak cakes salesman, right?
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Someone said women love essential oil, so I got my wife some Valvoline at Autozone for her birthday

It's the malt liquor with the slogan "When any hole is the right hole."

If there were an animal that did nothing but burrow and eat Oreos, I would be happily be that animal.
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You know what I say to Elon Musk? If I want to drive a Nazi car, I'll drive a Mercedes-Benz!
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I thought my super power was being able to pick the shopping cart with the wobbliest wheel, but then I remembered I was at Walmart.

There's got to be a way to scam myself into a La-Z-Boy swivel chair.

There is a direct correlation between the introduction of AXE body spray and the number of female teachers who find middle school boys irresistible.

Yes, we're a tour group from Mongolia but we're hardly a "horde." We're just visiting Disneyland.