Dad, what have you done to your stomach?
And your chest.
And your shirt!
I have been working out secretly at night.
And look at me now!
Oh, my goodness gracious!
Go ahead.
Try and grab some flab.
Go on! No.
Not there.
Not there either.
Over here.
I've got some.
No.
Here.
Try my foot.
No.
Not that foot.
Just feel my biceps.
Ooh! - Whoa!
Well, what do you think of your old man now, Son?
Whoa! Damn right.
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You said this monkey would be sweeping the floors and cleaning the gutters and now he just lies there struggling to breathe.
What do you want? His cholesterol's through the roof.
I want you to take that monkey back so he can be rehabilitated and get a second chance.
No, no.
He's fine.
Go on, Mojo.
Show Marge your happy dance.
Mojo.
What have they done to you?
Pray for Mojo.
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We are insured, aren't we, Mom?
Homer, tell your child what you bought when I sent you to town to get insurance.
Curse you, magic beans!
Stop blaming the beans.
-
"The Simpsons" After Dark Screen Saver for Windows 3.1 is simply hilarious! 
Will you get to the point?
The point is only I could have executed such a masterpiece of electoral fraud & I have the records to prove it! Just look at these! Each one a work of Machiavellian art!
But why?
Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside, you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals and rule you like a king!
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Attention, students. It's time once again to choose a gym class for the coming term so let's all prove how adult we can be by filing to the gym in a calm and orderly manner...even though it's first come, first serve, and the most popular sports fill up fast.
Aah! Too many wee ones!
This gets uglier every year! Any sign of Bart and Milhouse?
No...and if they don't get here soon, it'll be T.S. for them.
I don't feel right.
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The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.
Mmm... beer.
APRIL FO-
That sounded like an explosion at the ol Simpson Place!
Forget it! Its only 2 blocks away...
Looks like theirs beer coming out of the Chimney!
I am proceeding on foot.
#AprilFoolsDay
#TheSimpsons
#Simpsons
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Boy, Bart! Laddie's the best dog in the world! He's nothing like your old dog.
Santa's Little Helper? Guess I was the only one who loved him.
You got that right! Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish? But why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
Yeah. He was a great dog.
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What did you do today, Bart?
What didn't I do?
"Boy Discovers Comet."
What?
"A young Springfieldianite has discovered a new comet... to be known as the Bart Simpson Comet." Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you.
But then you've always been proud of me.
Yes...
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Mmm! Delicious!
Now, Krusty, I hear it's your birthday... so I got your mother's recipe for matzohbrei.
Hey, I don't do The Jewish stuff on the air.
But, Hershel, bubbeleh--
Ix-nay on the ew-Jay. Roll the cartoon.
It's so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots.
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@the_etrain Eating pie: the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems #Simpsons
Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charge that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down 80% while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking 900%?
Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forty percent of all people know that.
I see. What do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?
Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.
Touché.
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Who controls the British crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do
We do.
Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
We do
We do.
Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?
We do
We do.
Who robs cavefish of their sight?
Who rigs every Oscar night?
We do.
We do.
-
Softball starts this week.
Softball?
Who's next?
Count me out.
Not me.
No way.
What's the matter with you guys?
Last year we were 2 and 28.
It wasn't our best season.
Actually, it was.
This year it's gonna be different.
What makes you so damn sure?
I have a secret weapon.
-
Why are you people avoiding me?
Does my withered face remind you of the grim specter of death?
-
You know that feeling you get... when a thousand knives of fire are stabbing you in the heart? I got that right now.
Ooh! Bacon!
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