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For future reference, since it seems like it might be necessary sooner rather than later, if things come out of the Vatican smokestack:
- Black smoke means there's no new pope.
- White smoke means there's a new pope.
- Red smoke means shit is about to get real at the Vatican.
- Purple smoke means Jimi Hendrix is the new pope.
- Green smoke means it's currently 4:20 at the Vatican.
- Blue smoke means the Vatican is no longer working, please call tech support.
- A shit-ton of smoke means the Vatican is currently on fire.
- Intermittent smoke means, "Help, cardinal currently trapped in Vatican fireplace, send Swiss guard with tub of lard."
- Orange smoke means a rascally cardinal is playing a practical joke.
- Multicolored smoke means the Vatican has invested in some illegal Chinese fireworks.
- Snakes which whisper that the day of judgment is at hand mean it may be time to duck and cover.
- Bats mean the Joker is pope.
- The body of the old pope means buckle up, shit's about to get weird.
If that seagull comes back, I have no idea what that means. Maybe the seagull should be pope.
@intransitivelie those seagulls pope all over everything tho
@fnord
Historically, so does the curia
@fnord @intransitivelie Well, they aren't exactly rare at the Vatican, so that is to be expected.
@jyrgenn @fnord
Yes but this was one seagull in particular who alighted (alit?) on the Vatican chimney during the last conclave when people were watching for smoke. Everyone said it was a good omen of peace, but I think that's doves, not seagulls. I thought it should have meant that they picked a pirate as pope, but my Christmas wish has yet to come true. There's always next time, I guess.
@intransitivelie If a lizard comes flying out of the smokestack it means Alice has her foot caught in the chimney again: https://standardebooks.org/ebooks/lewis-carroll/alices-adventures-in-wonderland/john-tenniel/text/chapter-4
@gfitzp
Why didn't I think of this? Excellent!
@intransitivelie Butterflies means the Christians have stopped pushing for their dream apocalypse?
@janisf
Butterflies would certainly be interesting, I'll grant it that 
@intransitivelie I was hoping that rainbow smoke meant a gay orgy.
@SistaWendy @intransitivelie
As a cardinal rule, they don't advertise their gay orgies.
@HighlandLawyer @SistaWendy @intransitivelie I thought the cardinal rule was if word got loose about these orgies then there was a radical reshuffle of the senior staff.
@NefariousCelt @HighlandLawyer @SistaWendy
The first rule of Gay Cardinal Orgy Club is that you don't talk about Gay Cardinal Orgy Club. The second rule of Gay Cardinal Orgy Club is that you don't send up the rainbow smoke for any reason, Carl!
@SistaWendy
If rainbow smoke meant gay orgy I bet the Vatican chimney would be pumping out enough rainbow smoke to blot out the sun pretty much constantly. They'd be burning down the rainforest to power their oven. It's probably for the best that they don't advertise.
⧖ @intransitivelie Vertical blasts of smoke accompanied by a chuffing sound means the Vatican has installed a steam Pope.
@intransitivelie Smoke of any colour with a pleasing aroma means there's a Pope Pourri.
@intransitivelie Does brown smoke indicated that the pope has pooped?
@intransitivelie Purple smoke could also mean Sam L. Jackson is Pope. And that they're tired of all these mother f'n snakes in that mother f'n garden of eden.
@intransitivelie
"If that seagull comes back, I have no idea what that means. Maybe the seagull should be pope."
Would that be the same gull that I saw on Easter Sunday in 2019?
@intransitivelie I always understood black smoke to mean the Pope was running too rich, and white smoke meant the Pope had a coolant leak.
@intransitivelie I like to imagine the smoke is actually a bunch of cardinals lighting up giant joints to smoke, to relax after the stress of the conclave, kicking back with a reefer and some Bob Marley on the stereo to chill out a bit after it all.
@LordWoolamaloo
Based on the dipshits who are cardinals, I doubt it, sadly. They're probably too busy trying to figure out how to weasel out of rape charges. But maybe you're right and it's one of the perks.
@intransitivelie@beige.party No smoke means the vatican might have discovered more modern and envionmentally friendly ways of communicating.
@ember
I was shocked to learn that the smoke is only about 100 years old as a custom. I thought it dated back centuries. Apparently before that they just used the bells of St. Peter's, which they still do as well.
Cardinals aren't allowed to announce the news in any other way than smoke and bells. Text mess are verboten
@intransitivelie
Pope smoke is the most classic gender reveal.
@Cuprohastes
How did I not see that? Stupid. Congratulations, you've found a far better joke than the blue smoke one I made, which relies on a reference to Mythbusters that I'm sure most people don't get. One 
for you!
- Blue or pink smoke means the pope is a boy or a girl, respectively.
Brilliant. Much better. Kudos.
You should get together and have a conclave about what that all means.
@huntingdon
Ah yes, but then how will we let everyone else know when we've decided what it means? Perhaps some kind of elaborate system of messages conveyed by things coming out of chimneys...
@intransitivelie
Bats are cool but can the Joker be president & Pope at the same time?
@zendao42
You're asking the wrong question. How can the Joker *not* be president and pope at the same time? And how can he stop there? Why not king of England as well? Why not tsar of all the Russias? Who's to stop him? Batman? Don't make me laugh.
No, seriously, don't make me laugh. The Joker hit me with a blast of "laughing gas" and if I see anything funny I will literally laugh myself to death. Please send help or tragedy.
@intransitivelie
For tragedy, just read the news
@zendao42
Well now you're just being cruel
Oh no... 
@intransitivelie
If I was being cruel, I'd tell you to WATCH the news, which I never do 