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Could you be in an Open/Poly Relationship?
P.S. This is a place to discuss your own personal opinions about yourself and your choices, or ask earnest questions of others if they wish to answer. If you've come here to preach or degrade other's choices, that is a block from me.
@RickiTarr I absolutely could, I have been naturally wired this way all my life.
Yeah same here. I don't get jealous about recreational sex the same way lots of people seem to.
I take fidelity much more seriously when it comes to reproductive sex.
@RickiTarr
I had a partner who was single when me met explain she was bi/poly and was that an issue? Honestly I had no idea at the time. And given we were the only two involved with each other it didn't really figure into things until she met someone else. She wanted to be complete girlfriends and share everything and I said I don't know what that means but...
She turned out to not like being complete girlfriends, when I gave her crap about how she was treating the other person.
1/
Her: "who's side are you on?!"
Me: "I'm on the side of the people you date." being one of them and all, and if you treat one of your partners like that ...
Communication and honesty are key.
Still undecided about the whole poly thing - being in a relationship with one person can be enough on it's own.
Sending out meeting invites to discuss a poly relationship...
/fin
@maya_b Yikes! Good for you though, you sound like a kind awesome person!
@RickiTarr we get along a lot better now since we've broken up 
@RickiTarr That depends on the person. It is always a question of the constellation of the entire relationship because it is always a mutual decision. I think the key factor is honesty, both ways. Both if you want an open relationship and if you wouldn't tolerate one. It is important that BOTH feel comfortable with their decisions. To do this, you also have to courageously face the question together of what you really want, and that is not always easy.
@Pistolenkind That was a really fancy way of not answering the question lol
@RickiTarr I thought the same thing and almost wanted to apologize, but that would be kind of passive-aggressive. Even if I was evasive, it was honest. I just find that I can't give a general answer to that. For me the question is not what, but how. And that's where honesty is most important.
@Pistolenkind I'm just joshing you, no worries
@RickiTarr I know that. I thought it was funny. Just by the intelligent questions you ask, you can tell that you are a very mature person. Which you would probably question yourself, as mature people usually do, because perhaps this self-criticism is what defines maturity. I was just thinking the same thing when I wrote it.
@RickiTarr I already had both. And what I can say is that to have an open relationship you have to be VERY mature and VERY honest. That doesn't work for everyone. Because things inevitably get complicated at some point. Communication also has to be extremely good, otherwise you will get hung up on it at some point. By the way, that went wrong back then too. In principle it would be conceivable for me again, but then you play relationships in human hard mode. That's a character challenge, but there's also a certain appeal in that, the freedom that you give yourself, above all else, because you trust each other so much. And you also have to trust yourself.
@Pistolenkind Yeah the people I know who do it successfully are the best communicators I've ever met.
@skountouros Honor where honor is due.
@Pistolenkind
I love the way you put that.
@RickiTarr @Pistolenkind "it depends" is always a valid answer!! 
@RickiTarr Almost certainly not — my insecurities and jealousy would likely get the best of me. I suppose I *aspire* to be the type of person who could handle an open/poly relationship, although I have no actual desire to be in one — I’m very happy with my (one) spouse.
@michaelgemar Jealousy is a hard one to work through, We're just kinda hardwired with it.
@RickiTarr@beige.party @michaelgemar@mstdn.ca Some of us are, some aren't, I think. If some other person is a close enough match to what your soul needs that you cannot help but love them, and there is a third person who is a close enough match to what their soul needs that they cannot help but love that person as well as you ... then how can you not, eventually, find you love that person too?
@zakalwe @michaelgemar @RickiTarr I think *some* of us are hardwired with it. I can't turn it off. Even putting aside my insecurities, just the thought of my partner enjoying someone else sexually or romantically sends me into a rage. I'd rather be alone and leave them to their new interest than share. I think it's an instinct akin to territoriality.
But I've also known many people who are fine with sharing. I used to hang out with that crowd, back before it was considered socially acceptable. There's a lot of variety within the broad boundaries of being human.
People in the polyam community would say that jealousy is a symptom of something not working. The goal is to figure out what that thing is and address it, which usually resolves the jealousy.
Of course, if the issue is "I'm mono and I can't handle you having other partners," the solution may have to be an end to the relationship, because the polyam person can't reliably stay monogamous any more than the mono person can be polyam, and it's not fair to ask for that.
@TeacherGriff @RickiTarr @michaelgemar
I would challenge the phrasing of "hardwired" to experience jealousy. It discounts that we are also trained to experience jealousy in certain contexts.
Often, we aren't jealous when a friend has fun with other friends. But in romantic relationships society tells us to be so.
The mindset shift from jealousy to compersion--getting joy from your partners joy with someone else--can be challenging and not fit everyone, but jealousy isn't wired in.
FWIW I am totally jealous when friends have fun without me!
But I'm well-versed in my attachment-style challenges and trauma hx and it's okay for me to have opportunities to grow through realizing it.
@FantasticalEconomics@geekdom.social @TeacherGriff@mastodon.coffee @RickiTarr@beige.party @michaelgemar@mstdn.ca I think there might be some residual hangover (even in partnerships where it's not possible biologically) where on some instinctive level we want that mate for ourselves to have offspring with (even if we don't consciously want children). But I agree it's largely a learned behaviour.
I can see that. It's the whole nature vs nurture debate; the answer is almost always it has aspects of both.
With respect, I would say we're enculturated to feel jealousy rather than hardwired. Historically evolved with agricultural communities and seeing land, women, animals as property. Hunter-gatherer groups seem to be way less possession/jealousy related.
Also, media/capitalism/insecurity-driven marketing. Jealousy means insecurity means buy more products.
By the way Sex at Dawn is an excellent book about mono/poly relationship models through history!
@skountouros @michaelgemar Well, jealousy in the sense that animals fight for resources
@michaelgemar
Knowing the limits of your emotional openness is very important when considering polyamory. With your aspiration, it seems like you could probably be very close to friends outside your relationship, as long as you and your spouse agree on boundaries.
@violet @RickiTarr That’s kind to say. To be honest, on top of everything else, I’m probably too emotionally lazy to be able to support more than one relationship (and at times my partner might question if I even rise to that low bar).
@michaelgemar @violet @RickiTarr
I feel that, but what if it's your partner who's maintaining another relationship along with the one they have with you? I could handle that.
@RickiTarr i could and i am - that said, for me it's polyamory or nought; i can't handle casual sex without emotional relationships (though I'm fine with my partners doing so, I'm just a little too demi to have strictly physical relationships, i need to *at least* be good friends)
i truly love my polycule and love the way we all work as a team to help each other and to maximize each other's joy
@tarajdactyl I'm a little too demi too lol
So well-said!
Also demi. Also love the heck out of my family. "help each other as a team and maximize each other's joy" 
@RickiTarr My now ex-wife cheated on me for 9 months. I trust current GF a tremendous amount (way more than I ever did my ex - been with GF for longer now), but I'm not sure I'd be able to always squash the doubts and (likely needless) concern about being left again... and that'd seep too much toxic mojo into our relationship and thats unfair and bad.
Anyways, dating, forging new relationships is fucking hard work; Im fucking exhausted at the end of most days now you want me to shave my legs?
@RickiTarr the funny thing is, we have discussed (at length) and I'd be ok with anything purely sexual (with others either individually or together).
But I'd have issues if my GF was spending consistent time with someone else going to pottery class or catching up on Downton Abbey or going to the DMV or grocery shopping.
@tezoatlipoca
To me, that's the key distinction between an open marriage and polyamory. If the only thing missing in a relationship is certain physical needs, agreeing to one or both partners fulfilling those specific needs with someone else might help strengthen the relationship. It's a greater mental and emotional leap to have loving relationships with more than one person, and to celebrate each partner's joy when they love someone else.
@RickiTarr potentially yes. In very specific circumstances, I think I could be. But only in very specific circumstances
@leetxdd I think that's pretty true for a lot of people
@RickiTarr it seems an awful lot of admin.
It is my firm belief that Google Calendar was created by polyam programmers for that very reason.
@anubis2814 @RickiTarr >The other half are using it as a last ditch effort to try abs save their marriage
ooo. Im not sure if that's better or worse than having a baby to save a marriage.
@tezoatlipoca @anubis2814 I think it's definitely better, because at least everyone is an adult, and not some kid dragged into the middle.
@RickiTarr @tezoatlipoca @anubis2814
I know someone who secretly tried a swinging lifestyle to make her emotional desert of a marriage bearable because she thought she couldn't leave. She did it in secret and with couples only.
For her those couple of years only made her feel worse about herself.
She rebuilt herself while going through the divorce and is now happily remarried.
I believe honesty is key to polyamory.
@tezoatlipoca @anubis2814 @RickiTarr
Generally, "Relationship on the rocks - add more relationships!" is not a good move, whether you're talking about partnerships or dependents.
@anubis2814 Yeah the latter is not a great scenario, but I think for a lot of people it's a stop on the way to breaking up, so no judgment as long as everyone is being honest. Although I've seen it work out for some people so who knows!
@anubis2814 Definitely true!
Not likely. I mean, hermit is my name. I can only occasionally stand being around one other person, not sure I could handle multiples.
@wanderinghermit Hermit is not just a funny name for you!
@RickiTarr i've dated someone polyamorous before and I've come to realize that I only get jealous if other partners are cutting into our time together and my emotional needs aren't being met
so if you're capable of juggling time for multiple partners without me feeling neglected i'm all for it
personally I don't think I could handle multiple partners myself though it sounds exhausting
@waitworry That's a pretty mature view.
@RickiTarr I am in a Poly relationship. My wife an I celebrated our 21st anniversary today. I am currently not seeing anyone else. My wife is in the beginnings of something new so we'll see where that goes.